He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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