she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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