Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
