my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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