I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
