Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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