onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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