got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
