Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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