You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
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