My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
