Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
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