I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
