This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
