I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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