I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
ugly people sure do ruin things
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Randomize
