so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
