i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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