my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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