I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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