I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
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