he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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