If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
