i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
