I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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