when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
