Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
