I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
