if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
