all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I need to calm my uterus...
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
