I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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