At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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