I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
