he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
