it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
