I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Drake has all the answers
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize