I cannot find my penis.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
