Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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