I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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