I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
