I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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