I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
