Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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