***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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