Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
