she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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