I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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