It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
