Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
