He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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