Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
