I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
God I need to hump something, right now.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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