Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
