I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
