I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
