I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
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