I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize