I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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