Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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