your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
where are my eyebrows?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
